Office of the Mayor of the Bathrooms - Founded on Opportunity. Maintained by Neglect.
Dear Current, Incoming, and Trapped Residents,
Welcome to the Bathrooms,
If you are reading this by choice, we admire your optimism. If you are reading this because rent was cheaper here, we understand. If you are reading this because you were born here and never quite escaped, we apologize for the illusion of exits.
The Bathrooms is a place where the water runs brown, the budgets run dry, and the excuses run forever. You may notice a metallic taste when you drink from the tap. This is not contamination; it is heritage. Generations have been raised on it, and many of them are still alive, which our Health Department considers a success.
Our children are resilient. They have learned early that the future is optional and adulthood is mostly theoretical. With schools underfunded and adults distracted, they have formed their own systems of belonging. These systems are efficient, violent, and far more honest than anything City Hall has produced in decades.
Drugs are not a problem here — they are an economy. They circulate more reliably than public services and reach neighborhoods our emergency vehicles no longer bother to map. We encourage residents to “see something, say something,” fully aware that saying something changes nothing and occasionally makes things worse.
You may have heard concerns about predators. Rest assured, the Bathrooms is deeply committed to protecting its most vulnerable populations, which is why we have perfected the art of looking away. Reports are carefully logged, quietly misplaced, and eventually used to justify a budget increase for a department that will still somehow be understaffed.
Our government is stable. Not competent — stable. The same names rotate through the same offices, boards, and committees like a closed ecosystem. They feed on public funds, exhale press releases, and reproduce through appointments. Elections are held regularly to preserve the appearance of consent.
Transparency is one of our guiding principles. That is why our records are sealed, our meetings are closed, and our answers are always “under review.” Accountability remains a long-term goal, pending the outcome of several studies commissioned from firms owned by people we already know.
Economic development is thriving. Luxury projects rise where public housing once stood, and “revitalization” continues to mean removal. Longtime residents are priced out, blamed for leaving, and cited as evidence of progress.
You will be told to be patient. You will be told change takes time. You will be told this is the best we can do. These statements are not lies. They are warnings.
Still, we encourage you to take pride in the Bathrooms. Mow your lawn. Keep your head down. Teach your children to be careful, quiet, and adaptable. Hope is discouraged, but endurance is admired.
Welcome home.
Sincerely,
The Mayor of the Bathrooms
Serving at the pleasure of Donors and Wealthy Elites